WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE "THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME" HAPPENS?
When I was a junior in High School my dad would drive me to school in the morning. I was in band and because of that I had a “zero hour” class. It’s the dumbest thing ever, it was school before school. While the rest of my schoolmates got to sleep in and show up to school at a normal time, I had to be at school an hour earlier than anyone else. For anyone reading this that has ever had to deal with “zero hour” classes, I know your pain.
Part of our routine every morning was stopping by a classmate’s house in the morning to pick him up and give him a ride to school since he was in band with me. In the years that this individual and I got to know each other, we developed a strong bond and friendship with each other. We hung out at school and after school. The things he liked, I grew to like as well. We celebrated each other’s birthdays, We did what normal high school guys did. Because of the friendship we built, I got to know his family and built a strong relationship with them also, including his younger brother.
My friend’s brother was for the most part just like us; he acted like us, he talked like us. He and his brother got along so well that all three of us would hang out with each other no problem. Let’s be honest; it’s very unusual to see siblings getting along with other, especially brothers so close in age. But these two were close, and it was fun to have my friend’s younger brother around. This was our life as high school students. Go to school, hangout, and do it all over again. It was all routine, until it wasn’t routine any longer.
I woke up one September morning to a missed phone call from my friend. I remember thinking to myself, “Why was he calling me so late at night?” I listened to the voice mail and heard my friend tell me that he wasn’t going to school that day and there was no need for my dad and me to pick him up. Now it’s not unusual for people to miss school, and parents I’m sure you can recall times when even you told your parents you weren’t feeling well enough to go to school, not because you were sick, but simply because you didn’t want to go to school (we’ve all done it. No judgment here). However, what was unusual about my friend’s voice message was the tone of voice that I heard coming through the phone. My friend sounded broken, he sounded empty, and not himself. Something was wrong and I had no idea what it was.
As first period came to an end and I was getting ready to leave band and head to second period Math, a mutual friend came up to me and asked if I had heard what had happened to my friend. I still had no idea what was going on; I assumed I would see him later on at lunch like I always do, but what I had no way to prepare for what I was told next.
“His brother died last night.”
“WHAT?!? “
“Yeah. Their parents came home and found him.”
I immediately thought back to the voice mail from this morning. I thought about how broken and empty my friend sounded. I now understood the brokenness in that voicemail. I don’t think I understood what I was told, but I understood the brokenness. I don’t think the news I was given became real to me at that moment I don’t think it became real to me until it was announced over the morning announcement that it became real to me.
My friend’s brother, my friend, was dead. We are high school students. These things don’t happen to us. We have a bright future. We have plans. We have mistakes still to make. We have things still to learn. We have high school to make it through. We have girls we still want to date. We don’t die. We live. We get into trouble. These things don’t happen to us. We are untouchable! The only problem was, these things apparently (and obviously) do happen to us.
The belief that bad things don’t or can’t happen to us gives us false security in a world full of brokenness and pain. We have all uttered the words or had the thoughts of “I’ve seen and heard of these things happening to other people, but these things don’t happen to me.” We say things like, “I’ll never go through a divorce.” “I’ll never be addicted to drugs or alcohol.” “I’ll never be in financial trouble.” “I’ll never have rebellious children.” “I’ll never have cancer.” “I’ll never have to bury my child.” “I’ll never have to experience a miscarriage”, “I’ll never _______” What would you fill the blank in with? What is it you believe you will never experience in your lifetime? Was it any of the ones listed? Or is it something completely different? We may not say these things out loud, but again, we believe these things will never happen to us. Because of that we aren’t prepared for when they do, and to be fair, how could you be?
For my wife and me, our “This doesn’t happen to us” moment came in the form of a miscarriage. Now before I continue on let me pause for a second and give a little bit of clarity. I know some of you reading this are family and friends that had no idea we were pregnant. What I am writing about now is all so fresh. Melissa and I were expecting a child. We told family and a few select friends and that was it. We decided we didn’t want to announce it to everyone yet because Melissa hadn’t seen her OB-GYN and we had heard the high statistics of miscarriages in women during their first pregnancy. However, even though we knew the stats, I can sit here and tell you even now, these things don’t happen people like us. However, it did happen to us. Now while the feelings, the hurt, the pain, and the thoughts are still fresh, Melissa and I share our thoughts with you in hopes that in your time of fresh pain, you may see that your questions are normal. Your grieving process will not look like other peoples next to you, and maybe, just maybe some comfort will come out of this. The comfort may not come right away, but in the long run, after you have grieved, I pray you will have comfort.
So what do I mean when I say, “This doesn’t happen to people like us.” Allow me to give some background information on who we are. Melissa and I are Christians. We honor God, we worship God, and most importantly, we fear God. But there are plenty of people in this world that are Christians who are even “better” Christian’s than us (Some of you reading that are saying there is no such thing as a better Christian. We know that, but others might not. We live in a competitive world. We are either the best or we’re not. That’s our understanding of things in this world we live in. It’s not right, but it what we understand. So I don’t use “better” because I mean it; I use it for clarity.) Melissa and I aren’t just Christians who say we are, but we try do something with our belief. Our relationship started when we met each other serving at our church’s student ministry. I have a B.S. in Religion from Liberty University, with a focus on Theology. We have followed God’s calling on our lives to be in full-time ministry. Following that calling took us from Colorado to the east coast two years ago, and returned us to Colorado back in October as we follow God’s call to start a church in Colorado Springs. We are those Christians. The “we feel God telling us to do something and we do it” Christians. Yes we make mistakes just like everyone else, so we don’t claim for a moment to be perfect. It’s our understanding that as fully devoted followers of Christ, bad things don’t happen to us. Right? Wrong.
July 8, 2017 will be forever etched in to my mind. It will always be a day on the calendar that I will not look forward to. That day will always serve as a reminder of my wife waking me up at 3 o’clock in the morning telling me “I need you to take me to the emergency room. Something is wrong.” I quickly got out of bed, got dressed and headed to the nearest emergency room we could find. What was going on? My wife who we both believed to be nearly 8 weeks pregnant with our first child was in pain and bleeding. When things seem to be going wrong, I think it becomes our natural instinct to find the answers for ourselves. And with technology at our disposal, we can easily look up any information we want with a click of a button. “What does it mean when I find a lump?” or “Can a marriage work after an affair?” While we waited in the emergency room, while Melissa was getting blood drawn, I began to research if cramping and bleeding were common in the first trimester of pregnancy. The stories you easily find can bring comfort and hope, or bring you the most heartbreaking news you could find. At our moment of crisis, I was hoping for the best, and praying for God to handle the worst.
Melissa lay in the bed asking me questions. “What do you think?” “Do you think everything is ok?” After they took us back for an ultrasound she asked, “Did you see anything?” As her husband, what am I supposed to say in those moments as a husband? My wife is freaking out, she is scared and her heart is breaking due to the fear of what could be wrong. She knows something is wrong, yet she is looking to me to tell her anything to comfort her, and put her mind at ease. She’s looking to me to tell her everything will be all right.
“I don’t know babe. God’s got this.”
“I don’t know what I’m looking for in an ultrasound.”
“We’ll let them tell us what’s going on.”
God gave her to me as my wife. I am supposed to comfort her, protect her, and lead her. Father God, you didn’t prepare me for this! At least that’s how I felt.
Hindsight tells me that my Father in heaven had always been preparing me for this. For as long as I have been a believer, my walk has been defined by how much I rely on God to get me through the storms of life. It was promised that in this life we would have troubles - Jesus says so himself in in John 16:33. In the New Living Translation, Jesus’ exact words were, “Here on this earth you will have many trials and sorrows. Thanks God. Thank you for allowing there to be trials and sorrows in this world. I thought you were a good God. If you are good, why are you allowing this to happen? Do something! You can stop this. More importantly, thank you for making faithful servants like me and my wife go through this trial and face this sorrow! I would have these thoughts, then I would be reminded, my God has already done something about the pain I am feeling. He has already done something about the pain we all feel. He has already done something about the trials and sorrows we face. Since the beginning of time, God has given us reason to hope in a hopeless world. “And I will cause hostility between you and the women, and between your offspring and her offspring. He will strike your head, and you will strike his heel.” (Genesis 3:15) This is the gospel, the good news, the promise that there is a God for us and not against us. From the very moment death enters into our world when Adam and Eve committed the first sin against God, God had a plan to redeem us; even though our flesh will die on this earth, He has a plan for us to be reconciled to Him. Genesis 3:15 foreshadows the moment that Jesus dies on the cross paying a debt we could never pay on our own. From the moment Jesus proclaimed, “It is finished” from the cross, death no longer had a hold on us. Our debt is paid, we are forgiven, and we are free! Satan struck the heel of Jesus by getting him on the cross, but Jesus struck the head of Satan, that serpent of old, by conquering death. Jesus informs his followers that we will face trials and sorrow in this world, but he concludes with this great promise, “But take heart, because I have overcome this world.” (John 16:33) I know these things.
I have dedicated my life to knowing these truths. From the moment I devoted my life to Christ, I had been building a lifeboat for myself and for my family for when the storms entered our lives. My God had been preparing me for the moment the doctor told me and Melissa that there was no baby. We are now part of the statistics. We had a miscarriage.
Here’s the hard truth. Knowing these things doesn’t make the pain any less real or any less hard. It doesn’t take away the fact that our child is now gone. The future we dreamt of for our little one will now never happen. It doesn’t take away the belief that I had that my child would live to serve a greater purpose and do more for God’s Kingdom on this earth than I could ever imagine doing for God. It doesn’t take away the pain of no longer praying for my child; speaking to him or her through my wife’s belly, before we fall asleep at night, letting our baby know that they are loved, that they will do great things for God because God has a plan and purpose for them. Knowing these things doesn’t make the storm any less difficult, but it seems to make it more navigable as it provides answers to our questions. Questions like, “Why us?” “What’s the point of bringing life into this world for only 8 weeks? Where isthe plan and purpose in that?” “Why did this happen to a couple that wants to have a kid, when there are many people in this world that don’t even seem to value their kids?” “Why bring us someone that brought us so much joy, just to take them away so soon and bring us so much pain?” Some of these questions will never get answered, and some of these things will never make any sense to me. But my Jesus has overcome this broken world. He has brought hope to the hopeless. He has brought light into the darkness, because He is the light of the world. He has brought comfort to the suffering. He has brought peace to the troubled.
These truths remind me even now that my prayers during our hardest time were answered. Not how I wanted, but how God needed them to be answered. I asked for the healer to heal my wife and unborn child. Again in hindsight, things could have been much worse for Melissa, but she walked out of that hospital and my child, whom I never got to hold or meet is in paradise in full glory. My child, who was developing ears, is hearing fully the voice of God and more clearly than I do now. My child’s eyes that were being uniquely designed by my God are in full strength seeing my God and King. My child’s hands that were taking shape are holding his heavenly father’s hand. My God who gives hearing to the deaf, words to the mute, sight to the blind, and brings healing to the sick did all of that for my unborn child in an instant. My prayers were answered. I have a perfectly healthy child that knows my God better than I do right now. I can have peace in that.
So what do you do when the things that “don’t happen to people like me” happen to you? Honestly? Grieve. Ask questions. Talk to someone. Don’t ignore the pain. Don’t try to make sense of it all right away, you won’t be able to, it’s impossible. Be angry. Job in the biblical book named after him got angry. Jesus himself got angry. But perhaps the best thing you could do is understand now, before it’s too late, that these things could actually happen to you. You need to be prepared for it by preparing now. Pray to God to make you ready. Pray that God molds you into the person He needs you to be so you can survive the storms heading your way. For those of you going through your trial now, I’m sorry. I pray it’s not the loss of a child but, whatever it is, know that my wife and I are praying for you. I can’t imagine going through a miscarriage, or any other trial for that matter, without knowing God’s promise that this world is not the end. There is more to this life than what we experience today. I don’t think I could be the husband my wife needs in this storm without spending the majority of my life trying to be more like my God. Not trying to be God, but, rather, by growing in the attributes that make up my God. Honor, love, respect, self-control, compassion, provider, comforter, and protector…the list goes on. My prayer is that through our pain, you find purpose in yours because God never allows our pain to go to waste. God isn’t allowing bad things to happen to you because He doesn’t care, but because He has a redemptive plan. He is going to use your story to bring hope to people around you. As I write this now, I believe that my child’s short life served the purpose of teaching me to be a better church planter, a better husband, a better friend, and most importantly a better follower of Christ. Knowing that we will all face trials and sorrows in this world, allow me to leave you with this most beautiful promise given to us by God through His word.
Revelation 21: 1-6
1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. 2 And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.
3 I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
5 And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”
May God bless you with much in your time of joy, and may you be as wise as Joseph to prepare for times of trial.
Blessings,
Stuart & Melissa McPherson
From Melissa’s Journal
July 9, 2017
“Yesterday was one of the most heartbreaking days of Stuart and I’s marriage. I woke up early in the morning with more blood and bad cramping. I knew something wasn’t right so we went to the ER. After an exam, blood work, and ultrasounds, they determined there was no baby and I had miscarried. At that moment I couldn’t breathe or speak. I wanted to ball my eyes out, but I was just nodding my head and listening to the doctor. I never imagined that I would have to go through this pain. And it’s not something that just goes away the next day. I have physical pain and aftermath to go through because of what happened.”
July 11, 2017
“I seem to be doing better. I try not to think about it, but in those moments I do, I break down into tears. I miss my baby, my child. I miss having to take care of myself to provide nutrients to my baby. I wanted to be a mom. I was excited to be a mom.”
July 13, 2017
“The physical pain has decreased significantly. The emotional pain is still there, it’s just hidden, if that makes sense. I have been trying to distract my mind with work and other things. I wouldn’t say I have forgotten what happened, I am just slowly learning to move forward…I’m looking to God to help me move forward.”
AUTHOR’S NOTE
May 1, 2019 God once again proved to be the redeemer of the broken hearted as Melissa and I welcomed our baby girl Mica into our lives. God has blessed us with this precious gift. Who are we that God would be so good to us?
If you are in the middle of your own hurt, cry out to the LORD, He is listening.